How to deal with anticipatory grief when a loved one is ill

Anticipatory grief for a loved one who is ill involves not only dealing with a future loss, but also with the changes you’re experiencing in your day-to-day life. Routines change, conversations become deeper and priorities shift. All of this is part of the process and, although it can feel overwhelming, it’s also an opportunity to build a meaningful connection with your loved one. Throughout this article, we explain what anticipatory grief is and which strategies can help you move through this process in a healthier way.

What’s anticipatory grief?

Anticipatory grief is the process of emotional adjustment that occurs before a significant loss, such as the death of a loved one. However, living with anticipatory grief doesn’t mean it will replace the grief that follows a death – it’s simply a natural response to the reality you’re living. It’s completely normal to experience emotions such as:

• Sadness: for seeing a loved one suffer or because things are no longer as they used to be.
• Anxiety: for not knowing what will happen or when.
• Guilt: for wanting the suffering to end or for thinking about what your life will be like afterwards.
• Fury: for the powerlessness you feel as you’re not able to change the circumstances or think that what’s happening is unfair.
• Fear: of the unknown, of the future and of how you’ll cope.

The most important thing is to allow yourself to feel all this without judging yourself. There are no “wrong” emotions in anticipatory grief. And although these feelings are intense, they’re part of the process.

How to deal with anticipatory grief when a loved one is ill

Acknowledge your emotions

The first step in dealing with anticipatory grief is to accept what you feel. You may find it difficult to admit that you’re sad or afraid, but recognising it doesn’t make you more vulnerable. Quite opposite, it allows you to connect with yourself in an honest way.

If you try to suppress what you feel, those emotions are likely to appear in other ways, such as irritability, exhaustion or even health problems. Give yourself time to explore your emotions. You could try keeping a journal, talking to someone you trust or seeking professional support.

Learn to be present

When a loved one is ill, it’s common to find yourself constantly thinking about the future, “What will happen when they are no longer here? How will I cope with it?” However, this kind of anticipation can make you miss valuable moments in the present.

Practising deep breathing and present-moment awareness can help you focus on the here and now. This doesn’t mean ignoring what’s happening, but allowing yourself to enjoy the small things, such as a conversation, a smile or a hug. Those moments are what will give you strength and comfort later on.

Accept uncertainty

Uncertainty is one of the hardest parts of anticipatory grief. You want answers, but often there are none. Accepting that you cannot control everything can help your emotional wellbeing. Instead of trying to predict the future, focus on what you can control, on how you choose to care for yourself and your loved one and how you choose to manage your emotions.

Take care of yourself

It’s common to forget your own needs when you're caring for someone else. But remember that your wellbeing is essential, not only for you, but also so that you can be there for your loved one. Don't forget to:

• Rest: physical and emotional exhaustion can make everything feel harder.
• Eat well: a balanced diet can help you keep your energy and regulate your emotions.
• Seek support: if you feel overwhelmed, talking to friends or family can help you feel understood and supported.
• Make time for yourself: it’s not selfish, it’s a necessity.

Talk about your needs

Often, people around you want to help but don’t know how. Don’t be afraid to express what you need. Speaking openly about your feelings can also help to ease the emotional burden. If you find it hard to start these conversations, you could call a friend and say something like, “Could we talk? I’m feeling really overwhelmed and need to get things off my chest.”

Build meaningful memories

Even if the time you have with your loved one is limited, you can still create valuable moments. Perhaps you could go for a stroll, watch a favourite film together or simply talk about stories and experiences you’ve shared. These experiences will strengthen your bond and, besides, will become treasured memories for the future.

Seek professional help if you need it

You don't have to face anticipatory grief alone. If your support network is helpful but not quite enough, specialist bereavement support can provide tools to manage your emotions and guide you through this complex process. There are also support groups where you can connect with others going through similar situations.

Allow yourself to feel hope

Although anticipatory grief is full of difficult emotions, there’s also room for hope. This doesn't mean denying reality, but finding small rays of light in the darkness. It might be gratitude for the time you’ve shared, the deeper connection you’ve built with your loved one or the certainty that you're doing everything you can to care for them and for yourself.

Following these suggestions won't make the process painless, but they can help you face it with greater calm and clarity. Anticipatory grief is a complicated, unique process for each person. There is no single “right” way to go through it, but it’s important to allow yourself to feel, to care for yourself and to seek support when you need it.

If you would like to learn more about anticipatory grief and how to support a loved one who is ill, you can read this article we have prepared.